Month: September 2018

“How can you do that?”
“I have to see her. She’ll find me, and I can tell her. I can promise her again. I can explain about you and Saul. Maybe she be won’t be happy, like we were, but then she’ll understand and won’t mind waiting until it’s my time.”
Mary nodded and leaned back in the chair. “Yes, when it’s your time.”
***
Matthew stood on the shore of Lake Promise with the toes of his boots submerged in the lapping water. He’d only been standing there a minute, waiting for the surface to still. The afternoon sun cast long shadows over the water toward the east. The glare of the shimmering sunset made it a little hard to see if he faced Saul’s boat, so he turned his back to it. His gaze went deliberately downward to where he found his own face staring back. He knew her reflection would appear once he was calm, so he had disturbed the water as little as possible and stood unmoving.
Matthew was also listening. The rustling of Saul’s long strides through the browning grass was getting quieter now on the way to the cabin. He had told him that he and Mary had had a fight, that she was meddling in his personal business, and he wanted to come here to think. Saul was instantly worried Mary would go to town again, maybe never come back. Matthew knew he would worry. Matthew expected him to try to console her. Matthew knew Saul would be gone long enough for Sarah to find her way to him again. By the time Saul learned there had been no argument, before he could even run back, this would all be done.
He was right. Sarah’s image floated upward toward him, as if she were walking on the bottom of the lake and might emerge as a swimmer might do, walking knee deep in the waves toward the shore. For a second he wished she would. Just as quickly he knew she’d stop. When she did, her face smiled as wide as ever and she reached her hand toward him.
The whisper rose urgent from the water, “Come to me, now.”
Matthew smiled back at her and took a deep breath.
All at once he let himself plunge into the lake, instantly submerging, and pushed himself away from the shore. With his eyes closed he again heard her whispery giggle from under the water.
Then she grasped his hand and pulled him deeper. He could feel the pressure of the water build in his ears and rush past his whiskers, through his hair, pulling at his clothes as they went deeper.
When he stopped moving he opened his eyes and saw Sarah floating in front of him, the rippling waves illuminating her with a green-blue light. She smiled at him again and moved closer, wrapping her arms around his waist and pulling him close. This time he didn’t wait to kiss her. This time her lips were cold but welcoming, wet, but there. He pressed his entire being into that kiss. He kissed her with the passion he’d reserved for her since that rainy spring day and prepared to exhale.
He watched the bubbles rise as they escaped his mouth, slowly at first and small. Then he relaxed and the bubbles enlarged, rapidly tickling the tiny hairs of his face as they went by. Sarah’s watery whisper giggled at him again.
“I’ve waited so long, Matthew. Now nothing can separate us.”
He wanted to reply. He wondered how to do it as she did, to whisper with her mind straight into his. The lake water pressed its way into his mouth and down into his body. The cold felt no different than winter air chilling his lungs, but the silt felt gritty and a putrid fish smell filled his body instead. He let it fill him up. He smiled at Sarah again. He felt her cold hand hold the side of his face as she stared into his eyes.
His vision was fading, darkening. Sarah’s image was still close and he forced himself to keep seeing her. He felt his body begin to sink and he let his eyelids droop shut.
Matthew expected to find himself in a meadow, near the cherry tree or somewhere else on the farm. He expected Sarah to hold his hand and walk with him in the afternoon sun. He waited for her light to tell him where she was.
Instead he waited in the darkness.
Something was hurting him. Something was hitting his chest. Again and again it pounded at him. Why didn’t it stop? What was it? In his mind he called out for Sarah, but couldn’t hear her whisper anymore.
Finally he opened his eyes. Nothing made sense. He saw an odd purple sky. He saw someone hovering above him, glowing. He sensed another someone nearby. He began to cough the muddy lake water back out, sputtering and gasping like a fish. As his vision cleared he found a face ringed by blond hair, glowing in what was left of the afternoon sun.
“Oh, thank God!” Saul exclaimed. “Matthew! Matthew! Can you hear me? Look at me!”
Matthew couldn’t help but look. He stared at Saul for a few seconds and then began to look around. He was lying on his back on the lake shore. Mary was kneeling next to him, tears streaming down her cheeks that smiled the biggest smile he’d ever seen on her.
He coughed again, expelling more water and taking in enough air to clear his vision completely. Sitting up, Matthew began to complain, “What… cough, cough… what did you do? Cough… cough, cough. Why’d you do that?”
“What? Save your life?” Saul questioned.
“She was there, she was with me! I was keeping my promise!” Matthew suffered a new bout of coughing and shoved at Saul, willing him to disappear.
“What are you talking about? Sarah?” Saul began to understand, but looked to Mary for help. She looked back at him with apologetic eyes, a look she had never given him before. “Mary? Does he mean Sarah? What’s going on?”
“Yes, Saul, he’s talking about her.” Mary glanced at Matthew again, who had returned to lying on the ground. One of his arms seemed to rest loosely over his eyes. She let him stay that way. “He’s been seeing her. So have I, ever since I came here. Remember that day I came here and fished with you?”
“Yes, what does that have to do with Sarah?”
“When I went in your house to get a drink, I found the photo album. I found their wedding photo. That’s when I knew who she was.”
“Wait, you are saying she was here? She did what, visited you?” Saul had been sitting on the ground when Matthew began to revive, but now he sat forward on his knees, pressing the palms of his hands onto the tops of his thighs.
“Yes, Saul. At first I thought she was real, only catching glimpses of her out the window. That day your dog arrived she was there on the other side of the barn. That changed the day we were fishing. I saw her in the lake, Saul. She spoke to me, told me that this was her place. That’s why I left so quickly. She meant to scare me. I worried she might try to hurt me if I didn’t go.”
“Sarah would never hurt anyone! She wouldn’t!” The tone of his voice rose in pitch, getting defensive. Mary put her hands together in front of her chest, the same way she would during prayer. She began speaking with the same gentleness she had used with Matthew when he needed to hear her words.
“You’re right. He wouldn’t have loved her so much otherwise. His connection to her might have faded. What matters is that it didn’t. Their love kept her here. When I told Matthew what had been happening he wasn’t surprised. I didn’t know how often he’d seen her or for how long, but it was clear he hadn’t let go after all this time.”
“That’s why he went into the lake? He really wanted…?” Saul couldn’t finish his thought aloud. He sat back on his feet and slumped his shoulders. He looked at Matthew lying next to him, the brother he had saved, and both worry and relief swirled around in his chest. “What now?”
Mary looked over at Matthew as well, noticing his breathing had returned to normal. He may have been pretending to be elsewhere, but he was listening.
“I asked Matthew to decide what to tell her, to give her peace,” Mary continued, facing directly toward Matthew even though she spoke to Saul. “He said he’d try to talk to her. His actions today probably would have worked, and we would never have seen either one of them again. But this wasn’t the way; he needs to do something else.”
Matthew lifted his arm away from his face and turned to find Mary’s concern instead of anger or disappointment on her face.
“I can’t let her go,” he whispered once he covered his eyes again. “I can’t forget. I didn’t want to wait anymore.”“Matthew,” Mary began. “Matthew, I know about loss. I can see you never want to forget her. You don’t have to. You just need to decide how to remember her.”
“Remember,” he said quietly. “Remember is all I do.”
“But she needs to know that, Matthew. She needs proof.”
Saul had remained quiet the last few minutes, also remembering his sister. He interrupted, “I still never named that dog. It’s a boy, but I can still call it Sarah. I think if I use her name for something she loved it might help.”
Matthew sat up and looked at Saul squarely in the eyes. He recognized some of Sarah’s features there, and her kindness, and realized Saul was right.
“That’s perfect, Saul, for you. That won’t be enough for me, though. But you’re right about using her name. There’s nothing here or on the farm that carries her name. It needs to be something permanent, everlasting, like our love.” He sat quietly for another minute, the two of them letting him get his thoughts back in order.
“I know what she’s missing. It’s the only thing I avoided after she was gone because it really meant the end. I know now life’s different, and painful, but not over.”
“Yes,” Saul replied, “yes, that’s what she needs.”
“Matthew, what?” Mary asked, not sure what both men seemed to understand so easily.
“She needs a gravestone,” Matthew told her. “She needs that recognition that she was here, that I still love her and the whole world will know it.”
Mary smiled at him, pleased that he found a way to remember and a way to live with the memory of Sarah.

Mary had been back for three days. Matthew let her stay away for a week. It was a rough week to be away from the peace of the farm. Every day had been sunny and just warm enough to work outside without getting exhausted. In town, families headed to the mercantile to stock up on winter supplies like flour or tools. It made the street dusty and noisy, and Mary had longed to walk in the fields and sit at the lake away from the busyness. Heaven knows what Matthew ate in that time, or what trouble he found, but Mary had put her foot down and wasn’t going to feel sorry just because he’s so stubborn. She was glad to be back, though. Besides needing to can the carrots and green beans, she worried about him. When he came to see her at the boarding house it was obvious he made an effort to put her at ease. He had shaved, knocked the mud off his boots, and wore a shirt she’d recently ironed. As ever, he barely explained himself, only saying he was ready to have her come back because he knew what he had to do.

But nothing had seemed to change. Matthew still stayed out all day. He would say hello each morning, or maybe add a small request. The cows were fed and the wood got stacked while she went about her tasks.

Today, though, was bound to be different. It had dawned cloudy, as other days, but rapidly worsened with whipping winds and driving rain halfway through the morning. It was the first time Matthew had been in the house, with her, for any stretch of time since she’d known him.

He sat in the chair next to the fire, watching the flames consume the logs. He hadn’t spoken a word since he came in. Finally, both needing a break and sensing Matthew’s tense mood, Mary sat in the chair opposite him. She knew it must have been Sarah’s, that sitting there would cause him to react in some way. She also knew she had left it up to Matthew to decide what to do about his wife, but since his plan would invariably have consequences for her, she needed to find out what that was.

He didn’t immediately look at her. Only when Mary began to settle into staring at the fire as well did he turn his head and look at her arm resting in her lap.

“Death is a part of farming. Livestock dies. Crops die. Dogs die. Even family. I’ve lost people before, when I was young. All of my grandparents over the years. My older sister of influenza. But she shouldn’t have.” Matthew paused to slow his breathing which had quickened when he spoke of her. “That day was a lot like today. The biggest difference was that it started out sunny. It was springtime. It was springtime just last year. I had calves to worry about, to find them where their mothers dropped them out in a field and see that they survived birthing. Sarah had been cooped up over the winter and was ready to spend time outside. She said she wanted to go see the cherry tree’s blossoms and feel the sun on her face.”

He paused again, remembering. His lips pressed together and out a bit, wrinkling his chin with the effort.   

“The storm came up suddenly. I hadn’t noticed the clouds until there was no light left. The winds pushed me around as I led the newest calf from the field into the barn. It wasn’t until after the rain began pounding on the roof that I remembered Sarah had taken her horse to the tree. I hoped she would have been back already, so I checked the cabin first. When she wasn’t inside I hoped maybe she went to see Saul. I saddled up and rode out to see him. He only said he saw her ride out in the morning, but he didn’t see her come back. He thought she might have taken the back trail to come see me or the long way around before heading home. Both of us knew at the same time that she was still out there. He grabbed his jacket and rode with me back to the barn for another horse. I headed toward the tree and he headed to the back trail.”

Mary was glad to have her handkerchief in her pocket. She took it out and pressed it to her nose. She wasn’t going to be as successful in holding back the tears as Matthew was right now.

“I had the hardest time getting out there. All the trails turned straight to mud. Some low spots flooded and I had to go slowly around them, looking for solid footing, hoping all the while I’d see her doing the same on her way back. I did see her. I almost didn’t. She shouldn’t have been there. It was her dress, really, that I saw. The skirt of it, flapping around in the wind. It was so odd. I’d never seen the ground move like that and I had to stare at it a long time before I realized it wasn’t the ground or the mud at all. I heard her horse whinny nearby. When I saw him, he was covered in mud up to his chest. He stood a few paces away from the trail, letting the rain rinse him off and waiting for his rider. He didn’t know where she was. He just knew he was alone.

“I jumped down and ran over to her skirt, reached down and felt her legs. They weren’t moving on their own, but as I squeezed I could feel the bones slide past each other and Sarah groaned something terrible. I found her head, covered in mud and tried to lift it. She only groaned.

“’Sarah!’ I yelled. Her eyes were closed. I wanted her to talk to me. ‘Sarah, can you talk? Can you hear me?’ I was so happy when her eyes fluttered open and looked up at me. I thought she fell the wrong way, that I could carry her home and help her heal. Then she said, ‘Matthew, he didn’t know. He didn’t know where I was. It wasn’t his fault. He got stuck in the mud. I got off to pull him out. He struggled so much. When he broke free I couldn’t get out of the way. He didn’t know…’”

Mary gasped aloud. “Oh, Matthew…” was all she could manage.

Matthew continued, “She only screamed when I tried to move her, so I stopped trying. I just told her it was alright, that everything would be alright, that I’d take her home and we’d be together. She only said one thing after that, over and over, ‘Promise you won’t leave, promise we’ll be together. Promise me…’ I just laid her head in my lap. I held her hand and just sat with her there in the rain. I couldn’t even pick her up and hug her until she was already gone, couldn’t even give her a goodbye kiss.”

“That’s why she stayed.”

“I promised her. I meant it. When Saul found us, it was too late for him to help. He sat there with me for I don’t know how long, holding her other hand. Sometime or other one of us got up, I don’t know who was first, but I got her horse and Saul held him while I lifted her over the saddle. We all walked back together.”

“It was a good promise, Matthew. You said the right thing.” Mary began to reach out to him, to rest her hand on his in comfort, to let him know it was good that he finally told the story.

He pulled his hand back and looked angrily at her.  After a few seconds he relaxed. “I’m sorry for that… I can keep my promise, though not how I thought. I thought I’d die myself, work myself to death or get sick. Then I could lie next to her. But that hasn’t happened. Sarah’s waiting. I have to let her know I haven’t forgotten.”

I hope everyone can join Matthew on this ride… 

Matthew, returning to his pacing, considered the news Mary shared. He knew he’d seen Sarah in the puddle that day. It wasn’t the heat or his mind playing tricks on him. He knew Sarah wanted him to be with her, wherever she was. It was troublesome that Sarah involved Mary. This was a private matter, between the two of them. He was the one who held her as she died. He promised they’d be together again one day.Pacing was getting him nowhere. Matthew decided to walk to the north pasture to check on the cows, that maybe a walk with some purpose would help him decide what to do. His own horse, forgotten by his owner but not forgetting his training, followed the pensive man.The cows dotted the north pasture and its gentle slope, all standing up and grazing as usual. Matthew considered their postures. None looked like they had lain down all day. He turned his face to the sky. No clouds, hardly a breath of wind. There was no reason to expect rain any time soon, and since they were here so late in the day it was unlikely they would migrate to the stream on the western end of the farm. Matthew headed to the water troughs stationed here for days like this to see how much water they held from the rain a few days ago.From a few feet away he could tell they were not full. He walked right up to the edge of one and peered down in it. His reflection stared back at him, the surface of the water was still and only about a hand’s-breadth from the top. Good. That meant it hadn’t evaporated too much, the cows would have plenty for today, and longer.Matthew continued to stare at his reflection, remembering his last vision of Sarah, and wondered if she would find him here. As if the thought called her, a slight breeze rippled the surface for a few moments, clearing away the dust particles. When it was still again he saw Sarah looking back at him with her beautiful and happy smile.“Sarah! You found me again! ““Yes, my love. I’m here, waiting for you.” The whisper of her voice seemed to float around his ears, disconnected from the image but drawing him toward it. “I can’t wait to be with you again. Won’t you come to me?”“How, Sarah? Where are you?”“I’m here. Just come closer. Climb in and you’ll be able to reach me.”Matthew leaned over and rested his hands on the worn edge of the trough. He reached a hand down into the water but felt nothing. Sarah’s face did not disappear, but her eyes looked playfully at him and encouraged him to continue. He did as she beckoned, raising one leg at a time and stepping in. He stood for a moment, unsure how this was helping. He looked toward Sarah’s image once again, which began laughing. The sound swirled around him, traveling out from the water and then encircling him.“The whole way, my love. You must come to me…”Matthew cautiously lowered himself into the cool water, eventually lying down as he would in one of those fancy copper bathtubs the hotel in town uses. He let the water cover his face, closing his eyes and holding his breath as he went under. He heard Sarah laugh at him again, undiluted by the water swimming in his ears. “It’s alright to open your eyes.” When he did, he found himself standing near the edge of the wood, just a few feet from where Sarah sat on the grass.“There! I knew you could do it! I’m so sorry you could only find me here. I can’t seem to be anywhere else. Oh, Matthew, I’ve been so lonely! Won’t you come to me, put your arms around me?”

Without hesitation Matthew moved toward her, moving more quickly than he thought possible. He took her up in his arms, those arms which had been empty too long. He pulled her close and nestled his nose in her hair, in her neck, on her shoulder, anywhere he could reach. His hands squeezed her sides and then slid up and down, remembering her shape and reveling in the ability to touch her again.“I never wanted to be away from you, Sarah. You can’t imagine how hard it’s been.”Embracing him with as much strength and fervor, Sarah again whispered, “You can stay now, stay here with me. Will you?”“I’ll never leave. I’ll never let go.” They relaxed the embrace just enough so their faces could meet. They kissed as if it was the first time, gentle, learning the shapes of each other’s lips, the flavor of each other’s skin.Suddenly, Matthew felt the need to stop and breathe. But, the kiss… this kiss never needed to end.Matthew felt something nudge his shoulder, but he ignored it. He felt the something move him to the side an inch or two, forcing him to stop kissing Sarah and loosen his hands to regain his balance.Sarah began to whimper, to whine, “NO! Don’t go! I need you to stay…”But it was to late. The horse had pushed Matthew into the edge of the trough, causing the instinctual reaction for Matthew to throw his arms to his sides and sit up. He began to sputter through the water as he released the air screaming for escape. He found himself taking deep breaths while his horse nudged its nose against his cheek.Matthew swatted the animal away, cursing him. The spell was broken. Matthew looked at the water’s surface again, hoping to see Sarah still there. Nothing. He stood and thrashed his hands angrily around the bottom of the trough, trying to feel her there. Nothing. At once angry and despairing, he reclined in the trough again, again with the sensation he was in a bathtub, and he began to wish he had one in the cabin.Climbing out, Matthew peered into the other two troughs. Nothing. Nothing he could do now but wait for her again.